As many of you know, I am currently between jobs. I quit my last job mid-January and will be starting my new job next week, mid-February. I have been off work for about three weeks.
I spent my first week off with my parents in Texas, and it was a much needed and wonderful break. I wasn’t able to see them at Christmas, but this trip was almost better than seeing them at Christmas, because we were really able to relax and enjoy each other’s company without the hustle and bustle of the holidays. We played games, watched movies and old TV shows, visited family and just had a good time being together.
The second week I was home in Denver and tackled some projects around the house, primarily organizing our office and cleaning out items we just didn’t need any longer. It was a great project for my time off and really needed to be done, and I felt good about doing it.
Something weird started happening, though, towards the end of the second week…..I began to get bored. I have NEVER been a person who gets bored easily, so it was a strange feeling. Sure, there were things that needed to be done, but I didn’t want to do any of them. I think I missed working. Never thought I’d say that.
It wasn’t any particular job I missed. I just missed feeling like I was a productive member of society. And this really made me start to think, which in and of itself is a little scary. I am generally not a thinker–I do not go through life pondering life’s mysteries just for the sake of pondering. I know people who really spend a lot of time thinking about things, which is all fine and good, but I am not one of those people. It gives me a headache. So when I started thinking, it freaked me out just a little.
And I can’t stop thinking. What am I thinking about? THE FUTURE. Scary right? Oh ya. The two things weighing most heavily on my mind: working and kids. Which topic to tackle first?
Working (maybe the easier of the two–maybe). I have come to the conclusion this week that I may always need to work. Maybe part-time in the future, but I really think it is something I need in my life, to feel like I am contributing something, to feel like I am making a difference. Have I had my “dream job” in the past? No. Will my new job be my “dream job?” Probably not. My dream job will take several more years of school and many more years of experience. But the thing I love about what I do is that I really get to help people. And I really love nutrition. I am passionate about it. I love teaching people about good food and good nutrition and how it can change their lives. I feel like I worked hard to get to where I am today, and I don’t want to give that up.
Plus, I just plain don’t like to cook and clean. Especially clean. I hope I can always at least make enough money to hire a housekeeper.
But in addition to that, I really feel like working is good for my relationship with Jason. It has always been important to me that we are equals in our relationship, that one of us is not dominating over the other. I am no die-hard liberal feminist (I still love it when he opens my car door), but I have a really hard time with the concept that the man is the head of the household. We often talk about other couples and who “wears the pants in the relationship,” and have often come to the conclusion that we “share the pants.” We both contribute financially, we both get input on decision making, we both have equal say in what happens in our household.
I know some of you don’t agree, that staying home with your kids is important to you and the right thing to do, and I completely respect that. You have to do what is best for you, for your family. I am just not sure that is best for me.
And the other topic–kids. I have honestly lost sleep over this topic this week, which is completely ridiculous, but I have. It is totally stressing me out. Why? Because it scares the daylights out of me to think of having kids. Because I am not even sure I want them (there! I said it). But maybe I do want them. I don’t know. AHHHH! It’s not like you can take one out for a test drive and give it back if you don’t like it. Once it’s done, it’s done. They’re yours. Forever. And I am not sure I can handle that. I really, really like my life now. I like being carefree. I like being able to pick up and go anywhere or do anything pretty much anytime. I love traveling. I love my puggy poos and don’t want that relationship to change. I don’t want to deal with teenagers.
One of the biggest questions in my mind: what is the point, why have kids? I realize to some of you that probably sounds harsh and uncaring, but to me, it’s a valid question. Why would we have kids? Last night, I was driving home from a monthly book club meeting with two girlfriends, and we were discussing this topic (yep, I brought it up). One said that people have kids because it’s the “societal norm”–you have kids because you are “supposed to,” because that’s “what everyone does.” Which I think is very, very true in many cases. But I don’t want to do it because I am “supposed to.” I want to want to do it.
Sigh. I have no answers, only more questions. See, this is what happens when you think too much!
The good news, though, is we have years to think about the kid-thing. Thank goodness.
What a long, wordy, boring post! But it feels good to get some of this stuff out of my brain and out into cyberspace. I would love any thoughts you have on this topic. Feel free to email me if you would rather share your thoughts that way.
